When I gave my life to Christ on 28th February 2007, I had lived such a wild life that I doubted if I could ever experience the true transformation that the bible promised. But that day, when I accepted Christ as my Lord and saviour, it was such a powerful transformation that I literally felt like a new being.
Weights of baggage were lifted off my back. I felt younger. My heart that was heavy suddenly became lighter. Chains of captivity that had held me back for long were suddenly broken and like a young calf, I was suddenly able to jump up in excitement.
When I went back home and told my family the decision I had made, a few of them laughed. But then I really didn’t care. I was sick but Christ had made me whole. I didn’t care about the theological explanation behind it. I was a blind man but now I could see. I was dead and buried but now I was alive. How could I argue with results? I swiftly reached out to the cabinet that contained a collection of my idols and I discarded them and picked up my bible.
I hadn’t prayed for the last 6 years but on this day, while in a deep sleep, Christ called me to stand and pray. When I hit my knees on the floor, beside my bed, in a single room in Kariobangi south, I felt heaven’s power moving through my body. I couldn’t keep quiet. I prayed until I fell asleep as tears rolled down my cheeks.
When this journey began, I was zealous. I was passionate though sometimes without knowledge. Kenya Assemblies of God Buru Buru played a huge role in moulding my tender heart that I had surrendered to Christ. God used that church to excavate some of the spiritual gifts that had been buried and choked under the filth of sin. It’s through this same church that I got my first job that paid my campus fees and helped me make strides economically.
When we went for KAG’s Camp ignite 2016 edition in Ukunda, I was a tired man. Not the tiredness of the body, but that deep tiredness that stretches from the surface of the skin to the bone marrow. The torrents of boredom had coiled around me with the grip of a bear’s jaw. My spirit was worn out. Words couldn’t leave my mouth. I prayed for sleep but it said NO so I wanted to grow wings and fly away from humanity. When it became so overpowering, I bowed my head and called on the name of the living God. I told him to rescue me from the dark pit that I was in, and he did.
After the camp had ended and my strength had been rejuvenated, I started to critically examine my life and try and see if there is any way I have strayed from the word of God. Why was it that I barely had any zeal for life? What happened to the passion and the zeal I once had, that it oozed through my skin?
I realised that I had let the normal punches of life to quench the fire that was in my heart. When I was serving in different capacities, I felt betrayed. When I gave my all with a genuine heart and all I got were unfounded criticisms, my passion was slowly quenched. As a performance driven man, I’ve come to realise that could have played a role too. Through the numerous faith related disappointments that I had gone through, my heart was turned into a freezer. What used to be a vibrant trusting organ was snow wounded and couldn’t offer much to the people who were expecting from it.
I had harboured unforgiveness in my heart. I had held on to grudges from the people who hurt me. I was a wounded man, bleeding in the process yet rejecting the very same bandage that was meant to make me whole. So I bled on. I bled my passion out. I bled my zeal to zero tank level. I bled life that was in my heart. Yet these are the very same things that made my heart to beat. The rhythm that had kept it alive had long gone quiet. I only had a heart that was an organ but not the wellspring of life that God intended it to be.
I only had a heart that was an organ but not the wellspring of life that God intended it to be.
However, when I realised this, I started to make intentional prayers for God to revive my heart. That only him could restart my heart so that I could live a life of fulfilment once again. I decided to deal with the issues that wounded me. I wrote my heart out and opened a journal. I confronted the things that kept my heart from beating. But above all, I fed my heart the word of God. I called on the living God to rescue me from the imminent destruction that I was facing.
I realised that human beings can only live fulfilled lives by serving others. That’s how I’m wired. I derive joy from alleviating human suffering.
I used to delight in plans to visit children’s homes. I used to jump on the first bus when a mission was organised. My life revolved around serving others either in church leadership or campus ministry. But then something happened. I slowed down. I intentionally stagnated. I was no longer being intentional in serving others. I got sucked into the rut race.
Then I realised that who we truly are could never die. A calling is like a curse; you can’t break it. Like Jonah, however long you run away from your life’s mission, you can never outrun it. On the contrary, you end up putting yourself and those in your life in danger. The storms of life will hit harder. You won’t find satisfaction in the distractions.
However much money you accumulate, however, much you try to stuff your life with material things to numb the emptiness you feel; nothing will ever work. Because who we are is woven within our DNA. If we were born to be artists, no amount of experience in banking can make us fulfilled. If we were born to be leaders, no amount of following can make us feel at home. You will always feel like you are living a lie. You will always be battling a feeling that you are trading your birthright for a bowl of soup.
And that’s how I have been feeling. That I truly don’t derive satisfaction from the things I do because I neglected a key part of my life; that which God intended to be of service to humanity. Even though the outside world marvel at the pace of which I’m making progress, it really doesn’t matter to me because who I am is slowly starving on the inside.
So I’ve decided to be intentional in my service to humanity. Identify a humanitarian organisation to partner with. Focus more on human-interest stories so that we can change the world. If we can collectively just alleviate one soul from pain and suffering, then we can make the world a better place.
We live in a world where science has greatly increased our level of logic. Many of us struggle to resign our lives to God because he sometimes appears to be such a mythical creature. We battle His existence. The self-help industry reminds us that we can make it on our own. While there is nothing wrong with being motivated to achieve things by your strength, I realised that God was the centre of my life. When I’m abiding by the vine, I’m more productive. When I break away, I whither and die.
Let us stick with our maker, constantly deriving life from him. Because he made us for His glory.